Lady Looking
by HlfMtlAlchmst
Summary: Interesting things happen when drunk ninja mingle. [WARNING!] Some yaoiyuri mentioning.


_Boredom takes it's toll yet again, and I apologize . Warning, some yaoi mention. Also, some people may be a bit OOC, but that's what happens when people are drunk, isn't it? Oh, and the reason why everyone is only drinking sake is because its the only japanese alchohalic beverage I know. Sorry about that._

_I think it's time for disclaimers. Naruto?_

_Naruto : YES! OF COURSE I'LL DO DISCLAIM-!_

_Do you know where Itachi is? _

_Naruto : What...?!_

_Itachi : I'm here..._

_Would you?_

_Itachi : ...Claer does not own Naruto. If you sue her for writing this, I'll kill your clan. YOU KNOW I WILL, DAMNIT! YOU KNOW!-twitch-_

_Naruto : See? I wouldn't spaz out..._

_-sigh- Shall we begin?_

_Itachi : DEATH TO ALL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

-

Naruto laughed a happy drunks laugh at something that he barely heard Neji say but seemed funny enough. He sipped on his sake, his cheeks blushing harder.

"Neeeeeeji?" He slurred, wavering on the bar bench. The Hyuuga looked over, his eyes pallid and blanker than normal.

"Uh yeah?" Kiba asked from across the table. Naruto squinted.

"I said _Neeeeeji_ you dooshbag!" he burst out laughing again, soon forcing Kiba into a chuckle. Neji's eyebrows furrowed.

"Wait, did someone say muh name?" He scratched the dark hair on his scalp, confused. Naruto shook his head, no.

"I didn't hear anyone..." He shrugged.

Shikamaru sighed, unzipping his chuunin vest to expose his black tunic, "You said his name...?"

Naruto closed his eyes for a moment before they burst open, a much too large smile on his face, "Oh yeah! I did didn't I?"

Shikamaru rubbed his forehead, "Another glass of sake if you would, bartender!"

Naruto didn't hear him, "So, Neeeeeji?"

Neji sat up straight in his seat as if an electric pulse surged though him, "There it is! A person said my name again!" He raised his hands to his head, making to tear it off, ''I'm going crazy!!"

"Bartender? Make that sake a double please?" Shikamaru called.

Kiba burst out laughing.

The door to the bar opened, gaining no more than one glance from the group of nin that crowded around the table. There is some debate that they may have gave more thought had the two who entered been wearing their customary black robes, but it is agreed that they did nothing but sit down at the bar.

One man, his dark hair done up in a sloppy ponytail, turned to his partner and motioned behind them.

"Aren't they from Konoha?" He asked his comer ad, a man with small, beady eyes and an odd bluish hue to his skin.

He half turned in his seat, inconspicuously looking at the group.

"More importantly, Naruto Uzumaki is among them..." He murmured, sipping on one of the bottles of sake that the bartender had placed in front of them.

The dark haired one raised an eyebrow and turned his head as well.

"Well then..." He mused, grabbing the other bottle and taking a long, deserving gulp, grimacing as it burned down his throat, "Too bad that we took the night off, huh?"

A nod and an amused smile. The other raised his eyebrow.

"Kisame? What are you thinking?" He knew that smile all too well to be comforted. The shark man chuckled and began to nibble on the lip of the bottle.

"We should talk to them!" He laughed, not loud enough to draw attention.

Itachi raised an eyebrow curiously, "But the character Masashi Kishimoto made for us wouldn't do that, would it?"

"Who?"

Itachi looked over, "You say something?"

"Yeah, are we going over to talk to them or what?" Kisame asked, already starting to stand up without waiting for a response.

It was Shikamaru, the least drunk of the bunch, that noticed the two, constantly motioning to the table they were in.

"Hey guys?"

They looked over after a delayed second. Shikamaru nodded towards the pair, now arguing in hushed tones. He could only pick up fragments of the hushed conversation (and he was drunk, not helping).

"Clan killer..."

"Jaws."

"Kill you, I will!"

"Just go!"

"DAMNIT!"

Shikamaru sighed. The group had already diverted their attention back to the fact that Neji wasn't that crazy and that it was just a side effect of the Byakugan that made the voices in his head.

"The smart one in the chuunin vest is staring at us, you fool!" Itachi growled. Kisame shrugged innocently and finished off his second bottle.

"Then we have to go over and talk to them!"

"Damnitt, Kisame!" He whispered harshly. The shark man smiled satisfactly and placed the bottle back to the bar.

"That decides it then! We're going over."

-

Shikamaru glanced up, raising an eyebrow. Yes, he was drunk, but he was the less drunk of the one's at the table, and that made him, what, designated halfway sober? Sure, lets go with that. So, being the halfway sober, he was the only one to notice that the two dark and hazy figures were now walking over. He sighed.

"Hello," One said, his voice was familiar, but Shikamaru felt too drunk to even reach back in his memory and trace it, "Mind if we join you? Its deathly boring with just him."

He pointed to his partner next to him. The face... the wrinkles next to the nose... the dark eyes... damn that was familiar too. And again, too drunk to really care.

"Shaddup, Kisame..." The accused one murmured. Shikamaru shrugged.

"I don't care, you guys?"

Each of the other's shook their head. Neji dried the tears (he had burst out crying at the realization that he was going crazy, he supposed) and smiled widely at the newcomers.

"Hello!" He cried out, the loudest that Shikamaru had ever heard the Hyuga's voice be. Naruto and Kiba, who were both on the outside of the booth, scooted inwards, making room for the two newbies.

They nodded gratefully and sat down. From what he could tell, they were slightly less drunk than he himself was, but still drunk enough to not remember any of this tomorrow.

"So..." The one with the ponytail leaned back against the seat contently, "What's your guises names?"

Naruto, naturally, was the first to pipe up, "Naaaruto -burp/hiccup- Uzumaki!"

"Kiba."

"Neji? Right? Its Neji right?!"

"Shikamaru."

The two nodded their heads and smiled widely.

"Its a pleasure! I'm Kisame!" Was it a trick of light, or was his skin really blue? Oh well, still too drunk to wonder or care.

"Itachi, here," The other raised his hand. The ding of familiarity went off in Shikamaru's head yet again. He ignored it and took another long gulp of alcohol.

"Nice to meet ya'."

"Likewise, I'm sure."

Oooh he liked them already.

There was a long, awkward silence. Surprisingly enough (sarcasm drenched, as well) Naruto was the one to break it.

"So... wad you guys do?"

They looked over curiously.

"As in...?" The one named Itachi raised an eyebrow confusingly. Naruto giggled and blushed.

"No one comes to a bar for no apparent reason. You have to have done _something_ wrong, right?"

Itachi and Kisame chuckled heartily.

"I killed my clan, and enjoyed it!" Itachi said with another giggle. For some reason, no one found this threatening.

"I'm blue!" Kisame either said this though tears of laughter or extreme sorrow. Its unknown.

Naruto, "I have whiskers...!"

Neji, "Naruto likes Hinata more than me, even though I'm stronger," Again, no one recognized this as odd.

Kiba, "I dunno, Claer-sama dragged me into the story just for the hell of it..."

Shikamaru, "I'm surrounded by women!"

The table was a circle of laughter, loud enough to gain wondering stares from those in the bar around them, but no enough to draw too much curiosity.

Kisame looked over at Shikamaru, his brows furrowed, "You say that as if its a bad thing, Shika-chan. I mean, I've never even had a chick before...!"

Itachi laughed, "Hard to believe, huh?"

Shikamaru sighed, "Fan fictions always pair me with Temari and Ino, but I hate them BOTH! Cant they pick out a good chick for once? Scratch that, cant they introduce a good chick in the series? Or maybe a hot guy? That might not be too bad..."

"You sayin' we aint good looking?" Naruto raised a challenging eyebrow. Kiba laughed.

"Compared to you, Naruto, Sakura looks good!"

That earned a good laugh. Sakura looked good to nobody. (A//N: My apologies for the bashing, you 5 Sakura fans!)

"Come-on, Shikamaru, your crawling with women!" Kiba sighed and finished off his sake, "What I would give to have a good round, with _Ino _even. Just one good one!"

"Would you give your penis?" Naruto laughed, as did everyone else. The word penis is so funny when your drunk!

"Your just jealous cause I have one..." Kiba smiled. Naruto glared sharply across the table.

"You might wanna ask Hinata about that one, Kiba," He rapidly moved his index finger though a loose fist, groaning as he did so. Neji blushed and bit his tongue angrily.

"You liar!" Kiba tried to stand up, only to find himself too tightly packed in next to Shikamaru and Kisame to achieve the motion properly. He sufficed with an anime approved point, "Hinata's a virgin!"

Naruto laughed a wry, catty laugh, "Then why does she always blush whenever you mention my name? She cant help but to think of my naked, posing on her bed-"

"AH-KAY THEN!" Neji covered Naruto's mouth sharply, cutting off the blonde's words, "Thank you for that, Naruto..."

A muffled 'no problem' escaped though his hand.

Itachi cleared his throat, "Ah, I had a woman once. She was beautiful... She had the best brown hair, the deepest brown eyes you've ever seen-!"

"What happened?" Kiba asked, suddenly very interested.

"I killed her."

They all burst out laughing, Itachi's was high pitched and...odd. His left eye twitched as the laughter died down. No one noticed.

"What about you, Neji-kun? You've had to have scored with Tenten, right?" Naruto asked, pushing away his hand from over his mouth. Neji blushed madly, much similar to that of Hinata.

"Uh...yeah!'' he lied, "Of course I have! It wasn't anything special. She should just think of throwing her knifes and shurikens and-"

"PENISES!"

More drunken laughter.

"Ahh...penis..."

"Anyway, women are just plain troublesome..." Shikamaru stuck out his tongue and made an odd face, as if he had bitten into raw ramen noodles. Neji raised an eyebrow.

"I hear that you and Choji have-"

"THAT WAS ONE TIME! IT WAS DARK! I WAS DRUNK!" Shikamaru screeched, his face red enough to seem to burst into flame. Neji shrank back in his chair.

"SO! yes..." Kisame hid a chuckle under his breath, somehow detectable by Shikamaru.

"Oh come on! Every man has done it with another man, you cant deny it!"

There was an odd, ashamed silence.

"Rock Lee..." Neji covered his face.

"Sasuke..." Naruto hiccupped, tears squeezing from the corner of his eyes.

"Shino..." Kiba took another long gulp from his bottle, thereby finishing it off.

"Itachi!" Kisame pointed across the table half heartedly, his eyes falling towards the floor.

"Kisame, Dedara, Kakashi, and in one very disturbed fanfic, Shikamaru (1)."

The shadow users eyes grew wide with realization of who the man sitting across from him was.

They all turned to look at either Shikamaru or Itachi. They both blushed madly (Shikamaru more than Itachi who, somehow, looked slightly relieved), shrinking back in their seats.

"I'd like to mention that _he _came onto _me,_" Shikamaru pointed to Itachi. A smile grew on Itachi's face, one that sent shivers up everyone's spine.

"Heh, good times, eh Shika-chan?"

"SHADDUP!"

"Bartender? A round of Sake please," Kisame barked over at the bar.

"Oh come on, you know you liked it!"

"IT WAS AWEFUL!"

"Make it two more rounds."

"Fan fictions are awful to us anime-folk..." Kiba grumbled, reaching for the tray newly delivered from the bus boy. "'Specially the yaoi..."

They all nodded in agreement.

"I mean, how many times do you have to say the word THRUST!?"

Shikamaru twitched.

Naruto shrugged, "I dunno, some people are cool with those kind of things. I guess I am, some people have different opinions about homosexualism."

"Nothing wrong with homosexualism," Shikamaru nodded, " _Involuntary_ homosexualism is where the trouble lies."

Nods. (A//N: Sobered up pretty quick there, huh?)

Neji chuckled girlishly, "Bur _yuri_! Some of that stuff is grand!" (A//N: -wince- Never mind, then)

They all nodded again in unison, small grins of pleasure growing on every man's face. Shikamaru sighed.

"Yeah, but women on women is almost as disturbing as women in general."

Naruto sulked, "You're such a mood ruiner, Shikamaru... I was getting turned on and everythin'!"

(Neji : _damnit-to-hell...)_

Shikamaru raised his hand, pumping it into the air.

"BUM BUM BAAA! SHIKAMARU! ULTIMATE MOOD RUINER!"

They all raised their bottles around them, "HAI!"

-

Itachi half awoke, a headache furiously shooting into his temples with each pump of his heartbeat. He winced as he sat up, his clothes damp from the forest dew. The bright sun stabbed into his eyes.

Kisame sat at a small fire, his Akatsuki robe already on.

"Ulg..."

Kisame glanced over, his face dark and hungover.

"I _don't _want to hear it, Itachi," Kisame growled, turning briskly back to the flames, "It was your idea to go talk to those people."

Itachi raised an eyebrow. People? He couldn't remember anything.

"Whatever..." He grumbled back, grabbing his robe on the ground and slipping it over his head.

As he sat down across from Kisame, he hoped that he would never be given another day off in his life.

(1) Well, that is a story in progress. Look for it SOON!

HA! That was fun to write. Badly written, yes, but fun as hell to write -! As to how Shikamaru and Itachi know each other? Well, that is a story in progress... look for it soon.


End file.
